When stress, sleep, focus or energy start shifting and the strategies you used to rely on stop working, this podcast helps you understand why and shows you what to do next without spinning your wheels.
Untamed and Unfiltered Wellness is a grounded, no-nonsense podcast for people who want to live well in the real world, busy schedules, demanding jobs, aging bodies and all.
This is practical, integrative wellness for real life, not trends, not hacks and not one-size-fits-all advice.
You’ll walk away with clear insights, usable tools and realistic shifts you can apply immediately so your body and mind feel steadier, more supported and easier to live in.
Hosted by Jo Swensson, Herbalist and Founder of Olivia Bell.
Olivia Bell Co. - Where Modern Life Meets Ancient Roots.
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Boundaries have a reputation problem. The word gets heard as wall, rejection, conflict, when it might be one of the most loving things a person can offer, to themselves and to everyone around them.
Few people embodied that better than Dolly Parton, who could hold a line with as much warmth as she held a room. She held true to her self worth and was not afraid to say "No."
This episode reframes boundaries as an act of love rather than a form of rejection, with practical language for the relationships that tend to drain the most. For anyone who has ever felt guilty for saying no: boundaries aren't the opposite of love. They're how we protect it and ourselves.
I hope you find some time today for some peace, some plants and some paws!
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Jo
Speaker
Welcome to Untamed and Unfiltered Wellness, the podcast where we bridge the gap between modern life and ancient roots, cutting through the wellness noise so you can stop guessing and start building a lifestyle that actually works for you. I'm your host, Jo Swensson, herbalist and founder of Olivia Bell.
Speaker
Like many of you, the passing of Dolly Parton hit me like a ton of bricks. It made me sad, but yet I'm thankful that I got to grow up with her voice as one of the soundtracks of my life. My dad loved her music, and all of his kids learned the words to her songs early on. So even though I can't remember why I walked into the kitchen this morning, I can remember all the words to Jolene, The Code of Many Colors, Here You Come Again, and many, many more of her songs. I spent time thinking about her this week. And one of the things I adored and admired about her was how she stuck to her guns. She could tell somebody no in the kindest way possible, and they didn't get mad at her. The New York Times wrote an article this week. Pardon had just what you need for movie stardom. Control of a plot, but also of a persona. Didn't matter what the character did, secretary, brothel madam, hairdresser, radio show host, the women she played knew who they were, knew their value, and knew it was worth nothing if they couldn't spread the wealth. And it got me thinking about an interview I had seen, God, a long time ago, with Jane Fonda. And she shared that she wanted Dolly for the movie 9 to 5. She knew that Dolly had already turned down other movie roles before, but this time Dolly had said yes, with one condition. She wanted to write and record the theme song herself. It was a non-negotiable for her. That was the deal. She got it, and we all know because she wrote the song 9 to 5. It went on to become a number one hit, was nominated for an Academy Award, and even won two Grammys. She just named the one thing she needed, but notice what she didn't do. She didn't just turn it down. She didn't make it a legal fight or turn it into some sort of financial knockdown drag out. She just named the one thing that she needed before she could say yes. She said it kindly and clearly. And the whole collaboration got to flourish because of it. That's a lesson from Dolly that I want us to hold on today. The importance of knowing our worth, setting our boundaries, and having kindness along the way. Because those were never opposite to her, and they shouldn't have to be that way for us either. So what is a boundary? When should you set them? Or should you even have them? A boundary is the protection of something that you value, whatever that is. You're not building a wall or hitting a reject button. What you're doing is protecting what you value. Should you have them? Absolutely, yes. And when should you set them? Well, as often as needed. But you should always have one with everybody that protects your peace and your energy. Now I know some people need larger boundaries than others. I think we can all name a few people in our lives that need the big boundaries, but we're the ones who decide that. We're the ones that set those. So take a moment and think about the relationships that you have. Think of one person or maybe one situation right now where you're starting to feel a little bit of resentment towards somebody or toward a situation. That feeling of resentment is data. Because when we start to feel that twinge, that a boundary has either been crossed or they're tiptoeing along the line of the boundary, that person might be asking too much from you, or you feel like you're always the one compromising, or maybe you give more than you receive in that relationship. The bottom line is you don't feel respected. How can you be sure if that feeling is resentment? Well, the opposite of resentment is feeling closeness.
Speaker
So if you start to feel distant, like you're starting to distance yourself from somebody, that is resentment. The opposite of that is safety and trust. And we'll we'll get those feelings when our body is flooded with oxytocin. That's the feel-good hormone that shows up in those situations when we feel safe and we trust the other person that we're with. So I want you to hold on to those two different feelings, the resentment feeling and then the closeness or the safety feeling, because we're gonna walk through some steps today so that you can hold your boundaries and maintain them without feeling like you're gonna have an emotional meltdown. I know for me, I will second guess and I will rehash a situation or a conversation that I have with people when I stand up for myself and then I worry that did I say the wrong thing? Did I say it the right way? So what I've done is I've incorporated something called a four-step boundary flow. I learned a version of this from Gabby Bernstein, but I created my own because I felt it was more in line with me.
Speaker
The first thing that I do when I start to feel those feelings, either the resentment feelings or that someone is going to try to push me into doing something I don't want to do, is that I switch my focus. So step one is switch your focus. I usually will take a deep breath. I say to myself, I create clear boundaries with love and kindness. And that is setting the tone for me so that the boundary doesn't become an emotional situation. It's a reminder for me what the purpose is for my boundary. The second step is to be clear. Be clear with the person who is testing you. Say one honest sentence that names the limit and the need. For example, I'm not gonna have this conversation with you if it's gonna spiral into criticism. If we can keep it respectful, then I'm in. If not, then I'm out. Be clear with them. The third step is to release their reaction. They're gonna have a reaction to what you've said to them and you need to let it bounce off of you. If the other person's feelings flare up, whether you set the boundary or not, go back to the purpose of your boundary and let their shit go. And step four is patience. Patience with yourself. Because boundaries become real through consistency. If they're crossed, then stand up for yourself, make that statement, let their reactions bounce off of you, but honor it with an action.
Speaker
A lot of questions that I get when I talk to people about boundaries is they don't know what to say to other people. And I've been there myself. Like I said earlier, I will second guess myself or replay it in my brain later on, hours later, usually at three o'clock in the morning when I'm laying in bed wide awake. So I want to offer you three, let's say call them scripts that you can use with other people. For instance, if you have a chronic complainer, somebody that always comes to you with every complaint under the sun, and it's really starting to grate at your peace and it's it's depleting you. What I like to say to them is, look, I care about you, but I need to protect my peace right now. So if you want to talk solutions, that's great. If not, we're gonna need to pause this conversation for now. I don't always say it that eloquently, but because I've gone through the four steps and I've taken the breath and reminded myself why I have my boundaries, it makes it easier to say these things to people. Another one is for people who call on you last minute for things and you feel obligated. The bottom line is you're not. And you can stand up for yourself by telling them I'm not available for these last minute requests. I'm sorry, I'm not available for this last minute request, but if you need help in the future or if you do need support, give me a heads up. Like I need a couple of days to get things organized. And then the last thing is our family members. I've heard from a lot of people at family gatherings the nitpicking and the criticism that happens sometimes, and they're not really sure how to stand up for themselves. And what I like to tell them is remember why you're there and you can always walk away from the conversation. I'm here to celebrate grandma's birthday. I'm not here to get criticized by you. If you want to change the tone, great. I'll come back later and have this conversation with you. That's gonna wake some people up when you do that. And it's important that you do that.
Speaker
So for this week, what I want you to do is remember when you set a boundary, it's to protect something that you value. Start paying attention to which conversations and which people leave you energized versus the ones that leave you depleted. Observe yourself reacting to somebody else's negativity and realize how physically different your body feels afterwards. And use this information to have a conversation with yourself to establish your own boundaries. It's really important you have patience with yourself during this process. I will always admire Dolly Parton. She knew her value, she knew her worth, and she was not afraid to stand up for herself. One thing that's helped me honor Dolly is a mantra that I've created. It reminds me why I protect my peace and my energy, why I've set that boundary. So here's the mantra that
Speaker
today I move at the pace of grace. I honor my body's wisdom and the energy around me. I am responsible for the energy I bring, and I choose love and kindness. I release what drains me and welcome what nourishes me. I am guided, grounded, and gently powerful. I live the way I was designed to live, present, grateful, and free.
Speaker
If this episode stuck with you today, join our Substack community where we can explore this idea a little bit further. You'll also find some reflection questions, herbal remedies, and a community of like-minded people. It's free to subscribe. The link is in the show notes.
Speaker
I hope you make some time today and every day for some peace, some plants, and some paws. Thank you so much for listening to Untamed and Unfiltered Wellness.
